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Across the Universe

Notes to the loved, the lost, the wandering.

“You sigh, look away… I can see you clear as day.”

-Cage the Elephant, Cigarette Daydreams

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We keep leading each other on tangents leading to rarely finished conversations. It’s frustrating but I kinda like it all the same. 

I really quite liked every moment of that. Even without that first kiss. That’s probably another pattern I should break. 

Best friend. Bestest friend. I think that title rightfully belongs to your pup but I appreciate the sentiment. 

I meant to post about how I think I’m doing life wrong, but I’m reminded of the past hour I spent laughing with you and so very much want to believe there’s something going right.

I’m almost afraid to post something about you here lest I somehow jinx us.

Oh that’s right. That’s what insta-crush feels like. 

I need to let us go so both of us can be free. 

We’re still talking… I so badly want to believe that this means something– how much I can’t get you out of my head. How quickly the feelings come rushing back after a year– a year now– of trying to “get over” them. However it falls out, talking to you is still so easy, so real. Even after all this time, a year of uncertainty, of frustration, and resignation. We’re still so easy. It’s hard to wrap my head around that and believe we’re meant to be strangers at the end of it.

And just like that… I’m not sure where to go from here. I can’t cast you as a villain because I can see you trying. I can’t cast you as a soul mate because I don’t know how much of how I feel about you is real or a reaction to the version of you I imagine. I’m well aware that we in reality are completely opposite, but that’s why you anchor me. And I can open your eyes. I want to explore that. I want us to explore us and see if we really can make it work. But you’re still not ready and I’m not sure there’s enough there for me to wait. The only answer is to live our lives and see what happens.

It’s been a year. I didn’t think it was possible but I miss you now more than ever. Ugh. 

Almost a year later and I just bought something that reminded me of you. Of that day I dragged you around to look for candles and you introduced me to the wonderful one you already had at home. 

Assumptions are dangerous. Fantasies even more so. You build a world from blocks made of dreams, then crumble when they fall apart. Stop that. 

It hasn’t faded, the strength of my reaction towards you. If anything, it’s gotten stronger. Over 6 months since we last spoke, over 9 since I last saw you. Yet your text today made me cry more than the last one we exchanged. When does it start going away?

I’ll see you on the other side. 

Eternally fascinated with the people we outgrow. 

I think you’d like it if we give this a try. I think I’d like it as well.

Last night, you healed something I feared would forever be broken. You don’t know it, you may never know it, but thank you all the same.

I’m not sure what to feel around you anymore. 

Maybe you were the one dreaming but I’m the one who feels like you were a dream.

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